Wow! September! I'd say Happy September, but... No. I'm going to. Happy September!
There. Now that I got that out of the way...
I feel like I'm walking in a nightmare! Waketh me up!
Last night, we were enjoying a nice dinner, and Bill said his chest hurt. It quickly progressed into real pain. He was really in pain! Then, more. I insisted he go to the hospital and he agreed. That is not a good sign. Bill does not do doctors, but he knew something wasn't right.
He wouldn't let me call 911. I had to drive him, he said. Wait! I don't like to drive at dusk/dark! But, I did! No choice, there.
Anyhow, turns out that Bill has a pulmonary embolism. Poor guy! Oh, my gosh!
He is sounding better, today. They have him on heparin to break up the clot and lots of pain medication. I didn't know that this could be so painful.
Hearing him in pain was the hardest thing to do! They couldn't give him morphine at first, because his blood pressure was really low. Scary low!
Anyhow, the dogs are all upset over Bill being gone. I have to take them for a walk and then get to the hospital. I may be late in putting up Stan's column, but I will get to it! I promise!
Oh! And now they want me to have surgery. I thought mine would be a needle biopsy, but they are talking surgery now.
This too shall pass. Either that, or pass me out, please! LOL
Thank God that somehow I have the peace that passeth understanding. I do!

August 31st

This last weekend I was standing under a wonderfully hot shower, and I had an experience as if it were read right out of a women's magazine article.
My ex husband used to read me fairy tales as I fell asleep at night. I loved that! But this was sort of like laying on a comfortable pillow top mattress, falling asleep to a warm and soothing voice reading me nightmares!
My fingers rested on, what was that? Something in my breast? I found it again, and then froze.
I stood there in the shower with my hand to my breast seeing nothing but pink ribbons everywhere. No. Couldn't be!
How could the pounding of warm water against my tired muscles, something that felt so wonderful, be matched with something that feels so horrid and scary?
My heart... or rather my metal St. Judes valve pounded, furiously.
I felt again. Yep. That was definitely something! Something not normal at all!
At the very same time that I felt frozen with fear, I felt the need to like, burst out laughing or something, because I knew, I just KNEW it couldn't happen... to me!
This is a joke... RIGHT?
I mean, come on! I knew what the bus looked like that was going to hit me!
People say that you could be hit by a car at any time. So true!
But it's different, knowing you have a life threatening illness. I could even read the license plate numbers on the bus that would some day hit me!
My "bus" was an aortic aneurysm that the doctors watch grow and change in me every six months. That was what my bus looked like! I have known that for so long that I've become almost, not quite, but almost comfortable with that fact.
There is an odd comfort in knowing how you will go. I didn't want to lose that. I've felt the pain of an aortic dissection and I know that your body goes into shock and it doesn't hurt... that bad! I think of all the ways to go, and mine isn't that bad.
I was simply walking from the bathroom to my bed when my dissection hit me. I just knew, very calmly that something was very wrong and I told Bill to call 911, that I was dissecting.
What do I do with this info?! This strange lump in my breast that my fingers lay on. What is it? How dare something mess with my bus?
OK. OK, I'm getting ahead of myself, but don't we all, when something like this happens? Of course I didn't have breast cancer! Of all the silly things! I tried to swallow any fear, because this was just totally silly. It's a no-thing!
Still, come Monday morning I called the doc. Had to wait for my appointment until this morning. A simple mammogram would prove that it's no-thing. Not anything. No thing at all.
Well, of all the tests in the world that I had, of all the diagnostics, the pictures, the x rays, the ultrasounds, the echoes, I've always had to ask them to explain it to me. Ask them what is what and where.
Not this time!
I could see it from across the room! I left that big old machine right in the middle of the test and ran over to it. "There it is!" I said, shocked. A big old mass. There was no denying it was a some-thing! But, what thing was it, is it?
She hurried me back to the machine to finish tests. "I'll show you later." she reassured me.
OK, so it didn't have smooth edges like she wanted to see, so I flunked that first test.
Feeling more hassled than worried, it was off to the second test to show it was a no thing. Ultrasound.
Hm. Flunked that, too.
It was proving for sure to be a some thing.
They wanted it to have smooth edges. It did not. They wanted it to be a certain color on ultrasound. It was not.
The doctor came in and looked, and held my hand and told me what this thing was or was not, and what it could mean or not. He talked about a biopsy, but also started talking about surgeries and removing it and radiation, and... I interrupted him. "Are we jumping the gun, or is this really some-thing?"
"We are jumping the gun, but..." and he went on with all the scary "c" talk.
So. Is it nothing? No-thing?
Or is it some thing? We still don't know.
I couldn't have the biopsy today because my INR is too high. I have to wait until I stop taking my coumadin to get my blood thicker, in order to do the biopsy. Then, there is a week's wait, with the long weekend, and all.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, or to just carry on. I think just carry on. It is what it is, no matter what I choose to do!
It's a darn good thing that time flies, though, because all the complaining I do that summer is over will now be a good thing. Zip it on by, now, so that I can get those results behind me and move on!
I think I'm going to go take a shower. I want to feel that nice, hot water again, and this time, know that I'm doing all that I can to be as healthy as I can. That's all I can do, right? It is what it is. Plain and simple. It is... what it is.
It is either no-thing... or some-thing.
It is a mass and it is there.
The doc said 50/50 chance of (insert c word), from what he saw on the tests. That's All I know, but somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I know that I'll be fine.
No matter what, I will be fine. You know?
Odd thing, is that I don't feel like crying. I'm just fine about it, so far. But, will it be like a volcano that is dormant? Will I break out in tears without any warning? I hope not! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
And in the mean time, it's all I can do to search "Maui" and Haleakala on Google. I get lost in daydreams, wondering if I can still hike, or if I should, and whether I can do the biking down the mountain, or if I'd rather just snorkel all day. I just get lost in the dreams about Hawaii!! I can't believe that I'm actually going! I have dreamt my whole life about this!
I guess I spend far too much time day dreaming... and now, I think I'll just 'dream me' some more!
It feels so awesome to know that I'm going and the best part is knowing that I've worked hard enough so that I truly deserve to go! That is just the most awesome feeling!
I'm going to Hawaii!
Now, THAT is some thing!

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August!
July
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