Today is crazy day! Trying to get ready and remember everything for the show! Will you be there? I'll be there most every day at the beginning of the day, and then later in the afternoon. I can't do full days, so please don't get upset with me, if I'm not always there. I try! I try!
I don't know whether to bring my wheelchair or not. Hmmm. Just thinking out loud. I like to think I'm super woman when I'm not anymore! Would it help me? Yes. Would it be a hassle to transit? YES!
Hey! The Kings For The Kids tournament information is posted. Take a look! I think I just committed to being in the media boat! I'm fishing in a tournament! First one in ages! But, this is such a great cause! Join us! Hobart Manns, John Posey, maybe Nick Amato? Sounds fun to me!
Oh, shoot! More later. I have an apt. at 9:15! Gotta shower! Argh! Here we gooooooooo! Hold on, it's going to be a busy week!

February 7th

I yearn for the sound of the river and nothing else. Not a peep but a bird tweet! Just the river's soft melody and the sound of its inhabitants.
As you are probably aware, both of my boys currently reside with Bill and I. It's a busy household, here! If you want to see yogurt disappear, just watch! I bought 12 cups of yogurt two days ago, and it's gone! Gone! Gone!
Bill and I like to complain about them being here. The boys are a bit messy, and they are noisy. We wonder when our golden years will happen! OK, maybe it's a bit early for me!
I am very, very rarely alone.
I am a person who craves "alone" time, which is why I sometimes don't mind staying at a hotel alone. I like the sound of silence.
But hotels lack the sound of rivers, usually!
I'm not much into the sound of television. Bill likes it always on. I hear it now, coming from upstairs. It doesn't help that Bill is hard of hearing. It's loud!
I can also hear the sound of vibrating bass guitars, coming from Andrew's room, and silly noises from video games, bleeping from David's room.
I used to love it when my brother came home from college, because he had these awesome Bose speakers. They were like five feet high and they shook the windows when we'd play rock music. I loved that! I lived for June! But, although I still love good music, even more, I've grown to love the sound of silence-of the river's song, of the eagles that hover in the trees, hunting for their next meal.
I like to hear the chickens, when they get all excited and cackle together!
Sometimes I hear coyotes off in the distance, or a herd of elk, crossing the river.
These are the things I love, right now. Perhaps that will change. But, right now, in this season, I love silence.
Last night, as I lay in bed, something was missing. I couldn't sleep. Finally, I figured it out! The window was closed! I slid it open and was immediately lulled to sleep by the faint whisper of the low and clear Kilchis river.
To me, all of the sounds of computers humming, the stereos blasting, televisions blaring, they just cover up the sounds that now excite me!
Turn them off! I want nature!
The only way I get my way, is when I'm alone in my home on the river, and that hasn't happened for (really!) years!
Yesterday, Bill had a quarterly Steelheaders meeting, and so, all excited, I asked the kids if they could PLEASE get out of the house for a while. I was so excited! I thought back to a day, long ago... it was in the summer, and I had the day to myself. A warm wind blew on the river, as I picked berries (all by myself!). It was just me, the berries, the faint whisper of the river and my dog. That memory is so stuck in my mind! I loved that day! All to myself. Quiet!
Used to be that the kids would at least go to school in the day time, and Bill would take off to visit his Mom overnight. Oh, what joy that was to me! It was my time! I'd turn off the phones, and never turn the TV on. I'd sit on the porch with my dog and just LISTEN, as I sipped hot coffee and let the sun shine on my face.
I learned the joy of being alone back when the kids were 4 and 5 and I was learning about being a single Mother.
I didn't think I'd like it when Dad picked up the kids for his first visitations. Understatement! I was scared to death of it! My heart was broken in a million pieces. I was pitiful! My dreams had never included being a single Mother. I had been programmed by my parents to grab the brass ring of a happy family. That meant Mom, Dad, and kids. To have this broken was not in my plans at all. It meant failure to me.
I lived in a small home on a lake in Warrenton, Oregon. The first time he drove up to take the kids, I was absolutely crazy-heartbroken. I literally lay crying on the floor of the kitchen. I kid you not! Yes... I was an emotional wreck. (Lost 40 pounds, too! It is a great diet!) At that time, I went through the death of my Mother, my Grandmother, my 10 chickens and my favorite 18 year old cat, "Catarabbit". Poof! All in three months time, I grew up. Right then. Right there. Growing pains are hard when they come so fast.
It wasn't what I wanted in life. I had dreams of being a family, and that dream had been broken into shards of sharp, cutting glass.
But-- I bought this book about it all, about depression, about being alone. I can't recall the name of the book, but I so wish I could! I'd love to read it again to see if it was all that good, or if I was simply hungry for help. Regardless, it helped me so much! It celebrated depression as a normal passing in life. It asked that we take that time to be good to ourselves. To do things to nurture ourselves.
I read the Bible ceaselessly, and every time I came across a passage that spoke to me, I'd write it out, and tape it to my bathroom mirror. Another one to my fridge, another above the TV. I had papers pasted everywhere! I'd read them and then quote them all day long. Medicine for the soul. Thank you, Lord!
My favorite was Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And so I nurtured myself, and by doing so, I learned the things I loved. I loved being alone! I learned to sigh with relief when Jeff would drive up! I learned to trust the kids were safe in their Daddy and Laurie's care.
And me? The sound of silence! No crying! No diapers to change! I thought for the longest time... what do I enjoy? As a busy Mother of two toddlers, I had forgotten!
So, I took my bike out and went for long slow rides. I picked up my artists' brushes and painted, again! I bought an electric piano and wrote music! It was the most creative time in my life! Some of my best works came out of that depression, that terribly difficult passage in my life.
But, the most wonderful thing that has lasted forever, was that I learned to love being alone. It is my time to listen, to be quiet, to celebrate and to nurture myself!
And I slept like a baby, the night before Bill had his meeting, simply knowing that the next day, I would have the chance to be quiet, and to listen to the things I love!
Bill got up early, and had coffee and drove off. I got up, slowly, leisurely... I had asked the kids to get the heck out of dodge for the day.
Sometimes, and I don't know why, but I get the urge to clean, while I'm alone. I got out the dust rags and began to clean.
By noon, the house was sparkling. Andrew was out hiking with a friend, and David... well, I knew he was home because I heard those silly video game noises. Very slight noise, but still, it was there.
I peeked my head in his room and said, "David? Remember? You were going to leave me be?"
"What? Am I bothering you, here? I haven't even come out of my room!"
He had a point, one that I couldn't well argue. He obviously doesn't get it.
It's the feeling of being alone. I can't even explain this on paper! It isn't that he was noisy, or bothersome.
It was that I needed to be alone. -To KNOW that I had no one there but me. It was about recreating the peace that I first felt, so many years ago, but there was no way to explain that to a 21 year old young man. I couldn't even explain it to myself.
Noon turned to 3:00 PM, when Andrew walked in the door. Soon, Bill would be home.
I walked upstairs, repeating to myself, "Do not be anxious about anything..."
But, you know? I love my family, and I can't pray to God to be alone, because I may just get what I ask for! In a more permanent fashion! I don't want that!
And so, when I got up this morning, the sounds of my family echo through the house. The TV is on, the bass guitar vibrates the South end of the home, probably spooking the fish in the river!
I'm going to take a hot shower, and head out to the river until I get to a place where I can hear nothing but the sounds of the river's natural sounds.
I can have both. That is such a luxury! Thank you, Lord!
I'm sure there will come a time in my life where I'll yearn for all of these sounds of modern life, around me. A time when I may be totally alone, and day after day of being alone will be something I don't crave, as I do now. I have lived long enough to know that the grass is always greener.
It's equal and opposite: Ifish is so full, so active, so time consuming. I get so many e mails, that I crave none, and someday I'll probably get few, and laugh at the fact that I ever complained about several (thousand!).
Ah, shucks. If only my life were more balanced, less chaotic, less dramatic.
I said to Bill last night after dinner. "Do you know how much I'll miss my home, by this time, next week?" I'm going to the Pacific Sportsmen's Show, and will be hotel-ling it for the week. All alone.
Yet-- a part of me craves that night time solace, right now.
Last night, out of the blue, I stared into my son David's eyes and told him that my dreams had come true. For some reason, at that moment, (was it guilt for wanting him gone?) I wanted him to know that he was special in my life. Same thing applies with Andrew, of course, but David was handy at that time when I was emotionally overcome by this particular feeling.
"David, before you were born, I wanted nothing more than to have you. It was my life's dream. I remember walking on the beach with your Dad. My hands were on my belly, wishing, praying, hoping for you. My dreams came true and you were born!"
I think it meant a bunch to David, because I think his eyes had tears in them. He left the room, instead of filling his plate with food. I think it touched him. I hope so. It's how I feel. My kids are so important to me!
My two children were my life dreams, and even if my pre programmed family of Dad, Mom and kids didn't happen, I'm well satisfied with the final outcome.
I feel so blessed, really. I'm not complaining, Lord! I have had so many prayers that have been well answered in my life! Perhaps so many that I feel a bit overwhelmed! Perhaps so much... that I need, I crave quiet time. A time out to reflect on what I have been blessed with.
A couple hours, here and there, Lord.. That's all I want. A bit of alone time, but not too much!
I yearn for the sound of the river and nothing else. No other sound but the river and it's inhabitants.